8/3/2014

the sheets are clean
a humming bird
perched
on the top of a tree
against a cloudy
twilight
summer sky
there is thunder
the cat rests
amongst
the potted plants
on an outside
patio
as summer
marches on
slowly
peacefully
a respite
at last.

~Jenny

 
I have read the Hermetica
I have searched under every rock
embraced other universes
in my mind

I have questioned
found answers
questioned again
found other answers
yet still I am searching

The spirituality of my childhood
the innocent acceptance
the want with all my being
to be in favor with him
that we call God
the prayers, the friend
who they say is always with you

Standing to hear
Yahweh, I know you are near
in a Catholic church
with my family
as a child
where after communion
my father would kneel down
and put his head in his hands
was always a moving and comforting
sight

Perhaps right now
it is better
to revisit the spirituality
of my childhood
the secret one I had in my soul
that was fed by complete
belief, acceptance
and a face of God
that was a father
and a close friend.

~Jenny

Definition of Bless: To make holy by religious rite; sanctify. To make the sign of the cross over so as to sanctify. To invoke divine favor upon. To honor as holy; glorify. Bless the Lord. To confer well-being or prosperity on. To endow, as with talent. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ego, I bless you workday, I bless you Fear, I bless you The Unknown, I bless you Life Process, I bless you. Blessing can be a message of I bless you, I release you to your highest good. I trust in God’s plan. To bless someone rather then hold resentment, anger, disdain.... Is holy. It releases you, it releases them. This is my new prayer. This is my new coping mechanism. This is letting go and trusting. ~Jenny

Let Them Eat Frito Pie!

Amidst the government shut down orchestrated by a bunch of squabbling children playing dress-up on a Romanesque stage the third most popular yahoo story as of now is Frito Pie, and Anthony Bourdains dislike of it, an apology, as lovers of Frito Pie were outraged by his opinion of it we...are as much to blame if there where gods in a lofty palace above that in fact did have a care and hand in the comings and goings of man, surely at this point they would throw up their massive hands giving up all hope for us as they exclaim "Let them eat Frito Pie!" ~Jenny

Seneca quote (solitude and the crowd)

“Furthermore, we should often withdraw into ourselves; for mixing with persons of dissimilar natures throws into disorder our settled composure and wakens our passions anew, exacerbating whatever is weak in the mind and not properly healed. It is, however, necessary to combine the two things, solitude and the crowd, and to have recourse to them alternately: the former will make us long for people, the latter for ourselves, and the one will be a cure for the other: our distaste for the crowd will be cured by solitude, our boredom with solitude by the crowd.”

today I am studying Chopin & George sand what really is the truth? ~Jenny

Craftaholic

Yesterday after work I took a sudden detour to Hobby Lobby. I have a wreath I am working on that I wanted to get black spray paint for. My boyfriend had tried calling me several times, but I didn't hear my phone. I was too engrossed in looking at everything, dreaming and scheming my next projects, disciplining myself that no I cannot buy that now, I am here for the spray paint and card stock only for the necklaces I am about to make. I believe I am a craftaholic lately. I can't stop creating things, and it feels good. It feels good that he could not reach me because I was lost in the craft store, and not like in the past when I would occasionally take the impromptu trip to the bar with a friend after work and disappear for hours. I felt bad, but I imagine he is relieved now too. The necklace supplies are on their way in the mail. These are something I have thought of making and selling on etsy for so long, now I am doing it! But in baby steps and with the intention that this is just a hobby for now, so that I enjoy the process, and whatever result it may bring. So I can say, I am doing this with my life, instead of the old monotonous answer, oh I've just been working. When I work on my crafts, I find that I am forgetting it is a weeknight. It makes me have something to look forward to, and the possibilities are endless. I feel like I am home now. I always used to have a mantra no matter where I lived that "I just want to go home" but the homes at that time were not Home. This is home, and the result is I can relax now and start focusing on what I want in life and go about creating that. I am settled in the important areas in my life~and so there is less drama and problems to take up my energy. It's safe now, I have a space now inside and out to do this. I am keeping myself awake at night with ideas, and it's wonderful. Can't wait to see what I will think up and make next. ~Jenny

October Goals

I haven't been very happy lately. It occurred to me that I have not been setting tangible goals for myself. So I plan on setting goals here every month, cause if I just write them on a piece of paper, it will get lost, and I will be kind of what ever about it. I can also log my progress, and maybe inspire some goal setting for you in your life. October Goals 1. To cut down to half a pack of cigarettes a day. 2. Eat more fruits and vegetables, and regular meals at regular times. 3. Go for three walks a week. I think this is a good start. Maybe three goals a month is good, that's manageable. What will your goals for this month be? I think its good to have something to work towards and get a feeling of accomplishment about, rather than just simply existing.

Lessons Learned

If you want to do or be something in life, you don’t need to become it.
It’s ok to remain who you intrinsically are and to incorporate
the different facets of your dreams and wants into your self.
Foundation is important, experiencing things is just that,
experiencing them, not putting pressure on yourself to become them.

Everything is temporary. We do not need to obsessively plan
or brew on things. Take one thing at a time and tackle it
and be done with it. Even dreams are temporary, we want
we dream, we strive, we achieve, we experience and decide
if this is something we want to embrace for the
long term or the short term. The important thing is
being able to tell yourself in hindsight, I did that, I experienced
that in this lifetime, let me tell you a story or two about
adventure.

If you are a dreamer, a creator, a creature of wonder,
there will always be what’s next. Some divine inspiration,
some yearning in your heart and soul. There will
be a new sea to sail, a new mountain to climb,
a new sensation, a new feeling. Life is the instrument
our soul breaths through, expresses and creates through.

If people didn’t do things because they were nervous
and afraid, nothing would be done on this earth.
We would all be a bunch of afraid, whiny,
boring people, waiting for life to run out.
It’s good to inch out of your comfort zone,
it builds confidence, it brings new experiences,
adventures! And the nervousness is temporary,
it will not last forever, only a moment
in the scope of our lives.

I’m learning to live within my means,
If I am shy I am shy. If my head shakes
when I first walk into a room of people,
my head shakes, if I’m quiet, I’m quiet,
if I don’t think a joke is funny, no more
fake smiles for me. I don’t play the game
anymore. I’m not a circus monkey. I come off
so retarded and embarrassed, when I am NOT
being me. I feel much more at peace when
I accept myself as who I am and act accordingly
Being genuine is a valuable thing.
Where would the world be if
everyone was pretending to be someone
they are not. We need all of us to be the way
we are. I’m not sure why this is, I just know
that it is important.

~Jenny

Rise

Did you know...that Herb Alpert is shy? That he is also a painter and a sculptor? I've heard of Herb before, I even remember seeing his 'Whipped Cream' album in my parents music collection, but I never really gave his music a second thought. Now, I dig it. And I dig that he's shy, and I dig that he has the same birthday as me.

From a 1995 Interview in The New York Times:
"Asked about his shyness, Mr. Alpert answers in a soft, uninflected voice: "I never know what to say. Small talk makes me uncomfortable. It's not a need of mine to be stroked and doing an interview -- this is very hard for me -- means talking about the past, which is not of interest."

From another interview:
"Alpert is all about art, all the time. Yet as he goes about his business, he betrays no sense of pressure or anxiety. “For me,” he says upon emerging from the studio, “the important thing is not to think or analyze but to accept my own creativity. I’m looking for things that resonate more in the soul than in the eyes."

I am one of the lucky ones
asking the questions
seeking the answers
feeling grateful
I have been spared
when I ask why?
I feel it is because
I took a chance
on myself, life, nature
all three of these
have not brought
disappointment
I am one of the lucky ones
who gets to do it here
now
in this body
what a gift
I feel somehow
ahead of the game
there is no greater miracle
than man
transforming his life

~Jenny

What Do You Want To Be?

It’s hard to know what our purpose is in this life. Sometimes we have grandiose thoughts and themes of what we are destined to be, how we are to help and make a meteor sized impact upon this world. But we forget, there are quiet ways. There are plans we do not know. And perhaps how we surrender to those plans and accept not knowing how everything will play out at the moment, is part of our purpose. Others....may be watching. We may not be destined to be, Mother Teresa’s, or in the Peace Corps feeding the hungry of the world. I would say maybe, but no, I am beginning to be sure, that for some of us, or maybe even most of us, God whispers a message through our experiences, our dreams and hopes, our achievements and failures, he whispers them through our lives to the ears, senses and hearts of those who may need to hear, and in turn, their lives also offer each of us something we need.

Who knows the small ripple effect that molds the sand just so on the shore, or what that ripple washes up for ourselves or someone else to find. It’s all a wonderful mystery, and if we can only have the courage to hoist our sails to the direction our personal wind is blowing, that small divine knowing, and sit back and enjoy the ride, until the next wind may tell us to change direction, life could be a wonderful adventure, filled with moments of surrender and rest. Today his voice asked, will you just listen for a moment, you are precious to me, remember you are precious and act and feel just so. Just do, the next best thing, next best things add up, the rest will take care of itself.

~Love,
Jenny

What...are you EXPECTING?

Life..is like a laboratory, that's laboratory, not lavatory~though at times life can feel like that too. We conduct experiments, in relationships, spirituality, with God, Science, human nature, ourselves.

Recently the subject of expecting has come up. Someone dear, stopped by my office last week, and said that she is expecting good things to happen in a situation she was talking about, because we need to expect the best. This subject spontaneously came up from different sources two other times in the same week. Messages tend to happen in threes in my life.

This is opposite from my belief of many years, the old adage that "expectations are planned disappointments", that if you expect the worst then you will not be disappointed. Wow, what a shitty way to live!

If I think of a situation and expect to get fucked over, to expect it to go wrong, am I in a way, helping to bring that into fruition? And while I am thinking those things, I am feeling pretty shitty to.

Now if I focus on expecting the best, on positive outcomes, solutions, happiness and fulfillment, whether or not I am specifically thinking about how these will come about, or leaving the details in the hands of God, I am in a positive state of mind and experience a sense of relief and happiness while I am thinking these things into being, even before they have happened. Much better way to live, don't you think?

Let's try this in our laboratory as an experiment. I have read that this is like faith in action, what we expect. I expect good results!

~Jenny

A Dream Come True

I have been waiting a long time to have a space to do my art journaling, painting etc. I went to IKEA this weekend and got this new desk. It's perfect. Just enough room to write, use my computer and do lots of art without having to fumble around for space or supplies.

I plan to do a lot more organizing of this space, but so far it's great. This is the nicest piece of furniture I have ever bought myself. And, it was only $60.00~thank you IKEA!

Spooky seems to like it too. Once again she is the perfect addition to anything good in my life. There is something so comforting about having a little whiskered cat friend that you love so much lounging around with you as you do things that are comforting. It ups the comfort level. I'm very happy. So far I've achieved one of the things I wanted to do this year, and it's only the second week of January! And I get to be a lot more creative with this space. It will be an ongoing project to look forward to and enjoy.

~Jenny

What's Cooking?

It's been a while since I've dedicated myself to cooking. As of late I have been practicing again. I made a 15 minute stew last weekend. It didn't turn out great, but I tried. It's a good start, thoughts of how I can improve upon it run through my head. It's kind of like life, I have to get used to the basics before I start screwing with and embellishing on things.

Last night I made some chicken and egg noodle soup (from a can), but added frozen Trader Joes pot stickers. I gave it plenty of time to cook and took care with it even though it was not all homemade. It was delicious, better than the stew.

Tonight, not feeling so well, and needing some comfort and simple food, I pulled out my copy of The Joy of Cooking my sister gave me years ago and looked up how to bake a potato. I threw a few in the oven, and waited patiently. When they came out and I split one open, I was reaching for the cheddar cheese processed popcorn sprinkles as a topping, but at second thought, I opted for just butter, salt and pepper. It was delicious.

Simple is better, natural is better. I find that when I take the time to cook something, I respect food more. The time and effort that goes into growing it, shipping it, the blessing of having something to eat when others don't. I savor each bite more, and know that it is nourishing my body, not just filling my belly. I also find that when I'm cooking, my mind is void of all else, any problems, obsessive thoughts, etc. I am able to stay in the moment and create something good.

~Jenny

Peeling It Back

....there are growth spurts in sobriety. I am going through one. Everyone has a limit. It's a new year. I'm embarrassed when I awake to find that I still have problems I was dealing with years ago, even a year ago before I got sober. I care more who I surround myself with. I find now that I would rather be alone, than have friendships or relationships that are not only less than one deserves, but disrupt the peace in my life. My peace is valuable now. I guard it, I work for it, it can mean the difference between two paths for me. It's time to cultivate better relationships, associations and friendships. It's time to be patient until that happens. My people are out there. They are like me. Trying to live daily for a better life, to be a better person. Working at it. Why settle any longer. I do not settle in life anymore. I deserve better than this. It's time for some peace. It's time for positive places, people and things.

It does not matter to me who is right, who is wrong. If I understand you or you understand me. I just want peace. Better to just leave some things well enough alone.

“He keeps his road well enough who gets rid of bad company”
Proverb quotes

“Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”
George Washington

My List

There are things that make me feel better. If I tell myself them enough, I feel like a new person.

1. everything happens for a reason. we may never know why until further down the line, or even during this lifetime. but there is a reason.

2. you can't control other people.

3. sometimes you have to love people from a distance to maintain your own quality of life.

4. everything passes.

5. most of the time it is we who make ourselves crazy, or allow others to affect us to that level (see #3)

6. there is always a way out and a solution.

7. you are allowed to change your mind at any time.

8. don't just accept yourself the way you are, relish in it, embrace and use it.

9. we all have our own purposes and places in life, I don't have to or want to do yours, you don't have to or want to do mine.

10. when things get too overwhelming it always helps to give them to God, as many times as you need to each day.

11. life...is short, find your happiness, and your peaceful place and don't ever let anyone take that from you.

that's it for now.

~Jenny

The March of Time

Let us honor
the marching of the times
autumn came and went
with beautiful smokey music
deep colors and warm scents
hearts at rest breathing deeply
in the decay of the old
the blank slate of the trees
the quietness to come

Winter
with her billowing
cold, snows and wind
a million lights upon the earth
a million fires within the hearts
of men and women
a quiet time to
for listening, remembering
giving

The Spring will come
with cool breezes
fresh grass
and easy afternoons
slowly warming the earth
and our hearts
back to life
it is louder
it is gentler
it is the neutral time

Summer
with her juicy melons
sandy beaches
sometimes scorching heat
a time to hold on
or a time to run wild
and to rest
and to laze about
with her sounds of water
laughter
as the sun crackles and spews
from above

The times march on
there will always be more
and never less
If there is no more
there will still be
different

~Jenny

Christmas With You

Christmas is decorated at my place
this year there is simplicity
in what was put out
crystal glass candle holders
each unique that were received
as gifts by two very special people

Selected ornaments from my youth
wonderful Wintery scents
just enough sparkling white lights
just enough nostalgia and glitter

Each piece placed with thought and care
nothing complicated
nothing un-enjoyed in the doing
nothing silly
it is just enough

My memories fade this year
finally
of Christmases past
and I relish this very year
season and life
I have with you

This is our home
this is our cat
these are our decorations now
this is my heart
this is your heart
all sparkling and beautiful
just enough

~Jenny